Righteous Desires, Love, and Infertility
Righteous Desires, Love, & Infertility
By Sarah Johanson
Three and a half years ago, my husband (Devin) and I had an undeniable prompting that we needed to start trying to get pregnant. While we had always looked forward to raising children, we were taken off guard. This wasn’t even on our horizon for another 6 months seeing as we had only been married for about 4. It didn’t take long for us to become excited and start talking about baby names, parenting styles, necessary changes, and our future family. Months went by and pregnancy didn’t come. Month after month came and went with more disappointment all while working with doctors to figure out what was wrong. Why would God inspire us to get pregnant sooner than we wanted just to result in pain and heartache? After multiple inspired conversations with friends, family, and physicians, we were led to the answer.
Prolactinoma.
I have a benign brain tumor on my pituitary gland that prevents ovulation and, therefore, pregnancy. Due to its increased production of prolactin, it can rapidly grow during pregnancy causing serious side effects. Shrinking and/or eliminating the tumor prior to reproduction is essential. While MRI’s, medication, and countless endocrinologist visits help treat my condition, little progress has been made in my situation. There is no known end. I don’t know when/if I’ll be able to have my own biological children in a traditional way. It hurts.
I share this not to get pity, not to be comforted, and not to get attention. I share this because, like so many others, I understand the pains of infertility. I understand that having a righteous desire doesn’t always end with the fulfillment of that desire. However, my heart goes out to those who don’t have any answers. I recognize I’m blessed in that way. Each journey is different and I don’t know what yours looks like or what you’re going through.
Infertility is an extremely personal, private, and usually spiritual experience. The gospel is centered so wholly on the family and the eternal nature of that unit. “The family is central to Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995). It can be difficult to spend time with families of young children. It can be difficult to go to church and sit by young families. It can be difficult to serve in Primary. It can be difficult to talk about having children. It can be difficult to show up to family functions not being able to relate to siblings who are parents. Being childless in the church can be difficult!
Throughout the scriptures we see a few examples of women who struggled with infertility. Sarah was unable to bear children until she was of old age (Genesis 17). Elisabeth was unable to bear children only until her much younger cousin was with child (Luke 1). While their fertility journeys came to a happy end with divine purposes, the heartache that came with it was real. From their examples, we can learn to persevere and find meaning in the world around us.
The Lord loves his children, especially his daughters. Bringing life into this world is a divine desire and often doesn’t come in the way or means by which we think it will. During my fertility journey, I’ve been able to serve the Lord in ways that I didn’t think I ever would be able to. I came to love the amazing young women in my previous ward and viewed them as my daughters. I found meaning in my education and found my way to working with the perinatal population (often with women in a similar situation as me). I grew closer to my husband as we prayed, cried, laughed, and simply supported each other during this struggle. I have had more time to go serve in the temple. I was able to provide support to families during the peak of COVID-19 without worrying about bringing it home to young ones. I strengthened my relationship with my Heavenly Father and know without a doubt that He’s watching over me as I still struggle to understand His will for me.
Infertility is one of the many unspoken struggles in this world and within the gospel. It’s okay to hurt. Please know that God loves you and, while answers and opportunities may never come in this life, He will never give up on you (see Isaiah 54:10, D&C 121-123).
