Doubt Your Doubts Before You Doubt Your Faith
Doubt Your Doubts Before You Doubt Your Faith
By McKell Jackson
I've been told I have a "believing heart." I’ve also heard words such as "gullible" used to describe the same. Overly trusting. Naive. I see it in myself and I've pondered if it's a bad thing, to trust so completely.
It has become increasingly trendy to wear doubts and cynicism with pride, as though we are enlightened with information others have missed. I've watched many friends and family leave my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints. Honestly, I think I get it. There's interesting information out there-- some accurate, some not-- that stirs questions. So often balancing the voice of the world and the voice of the Church creates dissonance in my own brain. It's uncomfortable at times, and debilitating at others.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles shared:
“One might ask, ‘If the gospel is so wonderful, why would anyone leave?’ Sometimes we assume it is because they have been offended or lazy or sinful. Actually, it is not that simple. In fact, there is not just one reason that applies to the variety of situations.[ . . .] In this Church that honors personal agency so strongly, that was restored by a young man who asked questions and sought answers, we respect those who honestly search for truth. It may break our hearts when their journey takes them away from the Church we love and the truth we have found, but we honor their right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their own conscience, just as we claim that privilege for ourselves.”
I have always looked forward with eager anticipation to the semi-annual General Conferences of the church; a time when, over two days, we can listen to 10 hours of advice and guidance, testimony and inspiration from our leaders. It feels like attempting to drink from a firehouse. I simply can't absorb all of the goodness!
Then one conference I got a shock. As I listened to the messages shared, I became increasingly uncomfortable. I felt distant, removed. Like I'm no longer a part of what's being shared. As the feeling intensified, I fled to the bathroom where, behind the safety of a locked door, with tears falling, I prayed. What is this feeling? Why don't I belong anymore? Why is this happening? I still believe these men and women are prophets, truly called of God. Have I done something wrong?
I then pulled out my notebook and journaled as the spirit spoke to me, trying to capture each feeling and word as it washed over me in answer to my prayer. The message was personal, my answers, and perhaps yours won't be the same just as your questions might not be the same. But most importantly I knew God saw me. Knew me. Loved me. And somehow I knew the dissonance was necessary for my growth. At times, we need the struggle for our faith.
As I opened the door to the bathroom, my heart more peaceful, though my questions not fully resolved, I thought of those who have left. Who have felt this discomfort, the unease and chaos created as their familiar world and beliefs unravel. Though I have chosen not to leave, I'm grateful to understand their experience a little better, the questions and the discord.
Elder Uchtdorf continues,
“It’s natural to have questions—the acorn of honest inquiry has often sprouted and matured into a great oak of understanding. There are few members of the Church who, at one time or another, have not wrestled with serious or sensitive questions. One of the purposes of the Church is to nurture and cultivate the seed of faith—even in the sometimes sandy soil of doubt and uncertainty. Faith is to hope for things which are not seen but which are true. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters—my dear friends—please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. We must never allow doubt to hold us prisoner and keep us from the divine love, peace, and gifts that come through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.”
I choose to stay because I feel my Savior near in the questioning and grappling. I feel Him urging me deeper: "let the questions fuel the fire to know more. To understand God's plan better." It's a process. A layering of line upon line, precept on precept. Seeming dissonance sometimes resolves unexpectedly, but sometimes it lingers, a question without a clear answer.
In the Book of Mormon, the prophet Enos describes how his “soul hungered” (Enos 1:4), which led to his sincere prayer for answers. Elder Robert D. Hales explained,
“We cannot find Enos-like faith without our own wrestle before God in prayer. I testify that the reward is worth the effort. … I promise that if you do these things sincerely and unceasingly, the words Christ spoke to His disciples will be fulfilled in your life: ‘Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.’ (Matthew 7:7)”
I'm grateful that God doesn't just hand us all the answers. He allows and encourages the wrestle. He gives us time to understand and accept His will. It's humbling to realize how little we know, and that God wants to give us more. Is my heart ready for the answers?
