On Doubt and Faith
My thoughts this Easter have been about Christ, but honestly, mostly about the apostles Peter and Thomas. Whether you believe in the resurrection story as literal or not, and the characters in it as real or legend, Peter and Thomas bring us a connection point in our own faith. Their character arcs and tests have become personal to me.
For Thomas, the religious world at large is so dismissive and decided about his experience with the resurrection; what he lacked, his motives, where he failed. He is branded for all of history as "doubting". Many use the example of Thomas to call others out, to point to some perceived weakness in them. Many of us, whether we know it or not, label this way with all people, whether in scripture or just in our own family- which makes the way we approach a character like Thomas valuable, even just for that insight into our own presumptions. But I also want to make a case that Thomas was not wrong to doubt.
There is a launchpoint of faith that is the same for the apostles as it is for us. We each inherit the God we believe in; one forged through cultures, texts, and predecessors that bring their own heavy influence and flaws into their idea of Him. It varies for all of us, but at some point the God we believe in is challenged, if not completely rocked. When we take the time to inventory what we actually do know or feel, based on our own experience with Him, it is startlingly, terrifyingly little. The scaffolding must come down at some point, and when we see what is behind it we recognize how solid or how small our own personal building truly is. We can all find evidence for the kind of God we think exists- but to actually access Him is a different battle, when everything is stripped away and it is only you standing before this abstract Father, scared of what He might be and tentative with what you hope He is.
Whether you view this story as fiction or history, learning to have more empathy for the people in it is essential for each of us. Thomas deserves more context, more credit, more compassion from us. From no fault of their own, Christ's apostles had always been taught/ had experience believing in a certain type of Messiah. They found themselves suddenly realizing that their Messiah- who they felt absolutely sure was the Messiah- was actually mortal; that He did not have the particular power they expected in the way they assumed He would; that He would not fight- even the primal, involuntary flight that comes to men trying to protect their own lives. If He could (or would) not save Himself, who would come to save them? Everything they thought they had found in Jesus was suddenly in jeopardy.
I don't believe that Thomas was sinning in any way in his doubt. We find him in the aftermath of the crucifixion, saying that he "[would] not believe" that Christ had been resurrected until he was able to see Him, and the physical evidence that He was actually Himself, alive once again (John 20:24-25). After watching the brutal execution of somebody he loved, with all of the psychological torment, trauma, and processing that overwhelms every sense, I feel that Thomas was not faithless or lacking in anything in what he was experiencing. To me, he wasn't trying to test God, or to find a loophole in the work he had been called to do; he was in agony. He was despairing. He was feeling all of the limits of his psyche; his mind, heart, and soul had all been deeply wounded in what had just occurred. I don't think he had an unwillingness to believe, but was trying to preserve some sort of strength/ find some sort of footing in himself. It was not in pride, but desperation, that he felt he needed to put some sort of limit on being asked to believe impossible things. He was trying to come to himself, and take the inventory of what was actually there... and do this while the stakes were the highest, as his credibility in understanding anything about God was potentially lost. Not only was Thomas grappling with not knowing if he could trust anything Christ had said, but he also had to figure out if he could trust himself in finding answers.
Sometimes we feel that we can't let ourselves have the hope we are expected to have, because we will not be able to survive the blow if all that we believe in is not what we desperately need it to be. When we are rocked, and feel ourselves cracking, we have to find a fail safe- and for a time, that might be not to chase down hope. Only those who have had the stakes of their faith raised so acutely can know what it is to walk that road; and to those who do, I am there too.
When Christ does come, and tells Thomas, "be not faithless, but believing" (John 20:27), I feel that He isn't saying, "how could you doubt me?"
Rather, "be not faithless" means, "Thomas, faith is a power. It is not an emotion, a presumption, or a platitude. Whatever you feel, wherever you are, draw upon the power of faith to find access to me. Believe that I will be there, at the receiving end. I live, and I am still here for and with you. Take the power of Christ, which is faith, and hold fast to it. Trust that I meant what I have said to you". I believe Christ said this to spare Thomas from himself; not to say, "abandon your grief and doubts, because they are irrelevant", but to say, "you don't have to spiral into what reality would be if I were not who I have shown you that I am. I am who I said. You do know me. You can trust me, and yourself. Be believing, and use faith to help you find me IN your grief and your doubts".
This idea has come to me in another great "faith story", of Peter walking on water. I have felt that we all need to know that there is another way to look at Jesus' feedback to Him, just as there is with Thomas.
When Peter began to drown in the middle of a sea (one which would definitely drown anybody, no matter who you think you are), we often think, "How could he doubt, when he had more evidence than most people ever get? When he was currently in the act of walking on the water?? Who stops walking on water when the Savior is right there with them, and it's actually working?"
When Jesus saves him from drowning, He says, "O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" (Matthew 14:31). All of my life I have heard this taught as a rebuke, a reflection of Peter's capacity, a moment where the Savior is almost surprised by the weakness of a man... only He isn't surprised. He knows (and loves) human nature better than any of us. And in all of His kindness and compassion- of a quality and depth that I can't even pretend to know- I don't imagine He was gripping onto a terrified, drowning man, and condemning him for being subject to the elements of this world or the frailties (and designed warning systems) of the human body and spirit.
I began to see this question from Christ as a tender, nurturing moment. Instead of being disappointed in Peter's "lack of faith", Christ was holding him and saying, "Peter, look! Look at what you can do! You only have but a particle of faith right now, and look what you did with it! Peter, I am so proud of you! You have the beginnings of faith- which is right where you are supposed to be- and see how you are becoming something you never imagined?? And so, my beloved friend with this mighty, little faith- where is it that your doubt comes in? How can I help you? What is it that makes you insecure, anxious, discouraged, overwhelmed? What did you learn about yourself in this storm? I love you Peter, and I want you to learn when and why these doubts come into play. What did you see in yourself, in your beautiful faith and also in your valuable doubt? What can we do next, together?"
God is the one who designed and inspired our human nature. Our tendencies, personalities, doubts, emotions, weaknesses; none of those are inherently condemning, and definitely not sinful- they are the very thing we are here to learn to nurture, in ourselves and in those around us. Not to ignore, not to demonize or ridicule or even to destroy; just to embrace with kindness, and say to those essential elements of our humanity, "You are a gift, and you teach me things about myself and this world that are precious to me. I want to use you to become a deeper, more compassionate, stronger person than I could imagine being without you. I do not hate you or even want to be rid of you- but to grow in love and goodness because of the ways you prick my soul. You are essential in everything good that I hope to gain".
Doubt can be a gift. Anger, pain, critical thinking can be gifts. Moral courage to refute cultural or traditional failings can be a gift. Even "taking offense" can be a gift; as long as we use all of these as indicators that there is something greater to be learned of who we actually are, and who God actually is. So speak in love and gratitude to those things which are some of your greatest teachers. Tell them, "I need you here, and I am so glad you came to teach me. Without you, there would be no balance or richness, and no real way to walk the steady road that teaches of Christ". To me, the only way they can become vices is if we use them to create enmity between us and God, ourselves, or others.
A crisis of faith can be one of the greatest opportunities to those who truly do want to be disciples of Christ. That means they have to be open to being challenged in every way, with everything they've built and experienced. There are losses in it; the failings of your personality, upbringing, religion, paradigms, even the God you have inherited and trusted in. But what is to be gained? A discovery of faith as a power we never imagined it to be. A truer understanding of who God actually is, and who He is not. Knowing ourselves, and choosing what we will be.
I want to share these thoughts as a call to anybody, religious or otherwise, to be careful and fair with others/ themselves in the growing pains of their own beliefs. Nobody WANTS to have a faith crisis, and people aren't looking for reasons to struggle. People just struggle. It is what we are here to do, the objective of our lifetime. Nobody is better than anybody else in this, no matter what their questions, concerns, heartbreaks, or personal scars. We are all just here to find ourselves and God, and to do right by one another while we figure it all out.
I feel that the most development, insight, and empowerment in my life has come from being in the crisis of my faith; deconstructing, evaluating, losing parts of it that aren't what I thought they were, trying to understand again everything I had ever accepted as true; and then choosing to continue to pursue God. I would not have imagined or recognized myself here had I seen where I would be sent, but I am so grateful that this road is one with more mercies than I would have imagined.
Once this experience begins, there is no way "back". Your faith can/ should not be what it was before, but something far truer than you would have ever known otherwise. I'm ok if people end up saying about me, "Man, she really struggled with this". I'm even ok getting a world-known title like "Doubting Madi"- I think I have great company in that! Wherever we find ourselves right now, I think it is more ok with God than we may have let ourselves believe.
As with the apostles in these stories, we generally tend to oversimplify people and over complicate God; when God is simple, and people are complicated. We are all a mess in trying to find Him, and I think we need to look at how He views our stumblings and attempts of faith a little differently. I believe that "all that can be shaken will be shaken, and only the unshakeable remains"*. And when you are shaken and there is not much that remains, know that there is more to be gained, and it is solid and reliable enough that it will hold true.
This Easter, I want to believe in a Savior who will deliver on His promises. And in drowning, waiting, wondering, and trying to understand what faith truly is, I believe that I am still worthy of His outreach. I believe that He will show me that I can trust Him. I believe that He is who He has said He is. I believe that He is there to lift and mentor us, to show each of us how to exercise faith as a power that will transform us into new creatures. I believe in Christ, and that He is the perfect place to lay, or to re-lay, my foundation.
*C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"
