Reframe
Reframe
By Jennie Byers
Displayed in a prominent place in my great room is the quintessential mom-of-seven-kids, grandma-of-three trophy — a digital picture frame that cycles through pictures of my darling progeny during all my waking hours. I knew I’d “arrived" in an exalted mothering state when my husband and kids presented this to me on Mother’s Day, complete with hundreds of pictures they personally selected. I’ve since added to the collection so the frame shows me not only my darling grand babies, ridiculous photo booth creations by my man children, and candid shots of my teenagers laughing, but classics from our younger years when the kids were young and adorable. I confess I often get lost staring at the frame and in those moments, time stands still. I sometimes call it the Mirror of Erised* (Harry Potter fans will get it) because I can’t take my eyes off of it. I long for those simpler times, when all my people were under my roof, the voice of the world was quieter, and I could wrap my wings around my chicks when things were scary and protect them from the storms that rage.
This morning I was exercising (Yay me!) and my eye caught my digital frame. It showed a picture of my 15 year-old transgender daughter when she was an impish 4 year-old boy. I was flooded with grief and loss. I stood and stared as the pictures flipped every 30 seconds and I sobbed, letting myself get swamped by thoughts of how my kids used to be so sweet and happy and life just made more sense. I entertained thoughts that it didn’t really matter what good I had done as a mother or we as a family, if they just grow up and reject it all. I won’t go into more detail, but it was bleak. Then a snippet of a scripture gently presented itself to my mind. (Oh how I love how the spirit works!)
Isaiah 5:20
“Wo unto them that call evil good, and good evil…”
Wait, what? I was taken aback by the words and paused to figure out what the spirit was telling me. Here’s how it went down…
Satan calls evil good and good evil. He wants to convince me that my children’s choices are not only evidence that they are hopelessly lost, but also that my husband and I are bad parents. Rude! What is God’s plan? Does He expect that I will turn out perfect children who never question or use their agency to learn from their choices? No. Do my church leaders preach perfection? Definitely no! Do the scriptures present me only with examples of perfect, completely righteous families? Certainly not!
As an example, I thought of the story of a prophet from the Book of Mormon, a book of ancient scripture. I just love Alma the Younger, whose incredible gift of speech was used for evil, turning people away from God, until he had his experience with an angel of the Lord which brought him to his senses. He was tormented by his own guilt for three days, and in that moment when he was nearly overcome by “the pains of a damned soul” he says, “I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.” (Alma 36:17) He called out to Jesus Christ and experienced redemption. Alma the Younger went on to be an incredible prophet who learned from his choices the pain of sin and the exquisite joy of the atonement of Jesus Christ. He had a messy past, which gave him empathy and knowledge. That’s why I love him!
Satan tries to persuade me that the messy choices my loved ones make are BAD, but he is JUST PLAIN WRONG. Loving my children as they exercise their agency is not bad, it is Christlike. Continuing to share my testimony in ways the spirit prompts me to is empowering. Giving them a soft place to fall is what my Jesus does for me.
After all of this pondering, my heart rate was down (remember my abandoned aerobics video?) BUT, I had an epiphany! I started to see my beloved family photos as opportunities to glimpse and remember who my children really are, not as evidence to indict me. As I thought about each one of them I was flooded with love and appreciation for the incredible human beings they are! I realized that I want the messages they receive from me, both spoken and unspoken, to be, “I believe in you. I know who you really are and I love you. I trust you to make choices that will allow you to learn what you need to. I will always see the good and not call it evil.” As with all moments of enlightenment, I will have to remember these things and resolve to trust God’s promises; but in this moment I am fiercely loving my family and trusting that Jesus Christ is enough to save us all. Take that Satan.
More Resources:
A Comforting Talk for all who struggle to make choices consistent with their testimonies:
Worthiness Is Not Flawlessness
Information about supporting transgender loved ones:
Transgender: Supporting Others
Alma the Younger’s Story:
Mosiah 27
* Note: The Mirror of Erised is a magical mirror in the Harry Potter books by J.K. Rowling that shows the person viewing it the deepest desire of their heart. This is image is so powerful that people become entranced looking into it and lose all track of time, some even wasting away from forgetting to live in the real world.
